I'm Soooo Fired"

I think I behaved myself in class for about 30 minutes once, probably the first time I taught. I probably didn't even make it through the first third of the class. I'm not sure why, but I've never been able to act like a normal human being as a teacher.

How do I define normal, you might ask? Normal, as we all in academia are quick to exclaim, is a relative term that has little, if anything to support it as a concrete concept. It's the first catechism we learn.

"What does one do when confronted with the term 'normal?'"

"We ask them to be more specific."

"What do we say when they say 'you know, normal?'"

"We ask them to define the term."

"And what do we do when they cannot adequately define the term?"

"We lambast them for being ignorant bottom dwellers. "

"Uh, no."

"We tell them that normal is a broad generalization that is subject to cultural variations and interpretation."

"God be with you."

"Amen."

Despite knowing the catechism by heart, I'm going to broadly generalize and possibly insult and alienate various individuals. I'm okay with that.

Normal human beings who teach typically pay attention to what they say, how they behave, and how they dress. Normal teachers, lecturers, professors do not have frequent Turette's explosions and sound like they just returned from a back-alley cock fight. Normal teachers at least pay lip service to political correctness, and if they actually do something heinously racist, classist, sexist, etc, etc, it is usually because they lack the self-awareness to realize how idiotic they are.

I, on the other hand, have difficulty in these areas. These things come out of my mouth (for one) and I do these things that make me think immediately afterward, "I'm so fired."

It started off small enough, with making a party tee-shirt with one German class at Stanford. I thought of all those party tee shirts sororities and fraternities used to print up for their keggers. So we ended up printing up tee-shirts with "German 115, Spring Quarter: It's whacked!" That was how I answered their questions about German grammar.

"Why does the verb go at the end of a dependent clause in German?"

"Because it's whacked."

Why is the definite article for "boy" masculine but the definite article for "girl" is neuter?"

"Because it's whacked."

"Why is there a neuter gender in German?"

"Because it's whacked."

It seemed to suffice for the most part.

Over time, I have lost almost all impulse control in the classroom. During my more demure years, I used to cultivate belches during lecture. I'd feel one coming on, pause, pat myself on the chest, spread my arms, and then let rip. Sometimes I'd take a bow if there was applause.